Ain't That A Bitch*/IOK?**

WARNING: This post is going to be long and boring. Don't read it unless you have nothing better to do.

2005: Mysteries and Scandals
I was going to do a full review of the past semester but I left my planner where I make notes of all the trife in Providence. However, looking back, I think a major theme was Mysteries and Scandals* (what the hell ever happened to AJ Benza anyways?). So here's my list of the top five mysteries and scandals of 2005:

5. Will we get evicted/fined/arrested for trife?
4. What is Nathan's secret Spring Break plan and where will we end up going?
3. What will happen when Bruno the Bear meets the Penn Quaker?
2. After the SexPowerGod fallout, what changes will the administration make and will there be a StarFuck? If so, will Jesse Watters be there? What about Solo cup guy?
1. Did Rob shit his pants?

Will there be New Year's Resolutions?* (That one was for you Mike - now hurry up and post something!).

IOK?
Recently I've been trying to do this stand-up thing and I've thought a lot about what is funny and what is not. I'm not that funny (I might be the 5th funniest person in my house) but I'm good at figuring out what people will laugh at.

I've found that humor often comes from exposing breakages in systems, That is, it's funny when the South Park characters cuss because the system of cartoon narrativity dictates that characters do not cuss. Take my wife... please is funny becuase it sets up an expectation (Take my wife, for example) and then breaks with it (Take this bitch away from me!).

This is why it is "funny" to "make fun of" non-normative groups (retards, faggots, midgets, Mexicans, etc.). They break from the "norm" as we understand it. Of course, it is also inappropriate and some would say fucked up. Of course then the question becomes who can be made fun of and why.

I once asked the Hu what he would think if I made fun of Asians in my act. His response was something like "Whatever, do it, they deserve it." My rule for when I can make fun of something is that I have to believe the ideology and assumptions that are behind the joke.

For example, I will make fun of women for being stupid sluts because I think that, for the most part, that's what they are. That's a topic for another post so if you want the full explanation then ask me. Basically, though, I think that women are raised to perform as they perform. I think I owe it to women to call them out on that in joke form so they can realize the hoes they are.

I almost got into a fight a week back with this kid Blake. It's a long stupid story but bottom line, by the end of the night, I realized something about parody. Parody only works when everyone realizes that the performance is not meant to be the comment. The comment is that the performance is exaggerated to point out the absurdity of the underlying social construct. That is it isn't "funny becuase it's true", its "funny because its ridiculous that anyone could think this is true OR it's funny becuase I never questioned that before - that is absurd".

For example, on South Park, the fact that there's one black kid named Token is not a joke at Token's expense but rather of the narrative trope of the token black character. I employ that type of humor when I make fun of Jews for being evil tricksters or Italians by saying that all they say is Spaghetti Linguine Fettucine Pepperoni Pizza or that Asian girls are always fingering their pussies and saying "SO DERICIOUS!"

I watched The Producers today and they took like twenty minutes in the middle of the movie to make fun of gays and I was trying to figure out if I was OK with that. It didn't seem that the joke was that the trope of ridiculous effeminite gay guy is ridiculous. The humor seemed to be based in expecting viewers to say, "Yeah, they do act like that." I also don't think Mel Brooks was trying to make any deeper point about gay performativity.

Having not satisfied my two requisites of an appropriate joke, I have to fail to reject* that its inappropriate. So what else can make a joke "appropriate"?

Authorial Intent? If the writer or comedian doesn't mean it to be offensive then its OK.

Is Anyone Offended? If a group gets offended its not OK. BTW, what is the critical mass for a group to be offended? One person? 51% of the group? Everybody?

Who is getting offended? It's OK to make fun of white people because they are the dominant group and not OK to make fun of black people because it only adds literal insult (the joke) to a figurative injury (slavery, jim crow, etc.). It's OK to laugh at Nazi's because, well, they're Nazi's. People with disabilities* are usually off-limits but its OK to go after fat and ugly people.

Is it funny? If people laugh, then you can tell the joke. That's it.

Obviously I don't buy those last four justifications. I've been asking a lot of people what they think is a reasonable justification but no seems to have a coherent, rational system*. Comments are appreciated.

Happy Holidays* Folks.

let's hear it for four consecutive posts!/trapped in the closet reviews

check out these reviews of r.kelly's trapped in the closet:

"Trapped in the Closet is an exploration of sexual mores across social spheres, like La Ronde. Both films have a quite prominent narrator figure who actually appears on camera. Yet while La Ronde’s abiding metaphor is a merry-go-round, a closed circle, so far the relationships in Trapped in the Closet has been radically rhizomatic, a much more contemporary viewpoint."

"There is at least one crucial literary reference that needs to be made in addressing Trapped in the Closet, Chapters 1�12, Robert Kelly�s DVD release of the first 12 chapters of his sequential R&B soap opera masterpiece. Consider the concept of sprezzatura, or artful artlessness, a high Renaissance commitment to at least the illusion of nonchalance."

a follow up to last night's post

as i'm starting this, it is 6:50am. the video that took 5.5 hours to compress yesterday is still just slightly too big to burn to dvd. that means i have to compress it again. which means i won't be doing it until next semester. damn.

damn->damon->fuck

the sports team as an emergent entity:
every red sox fan has fearfully known this would happen since at least part-way through the summer. i guess we just had faith that damn would give a fighting chance to the team that made him famous. instead, he opted for a quiet back-room deal with the mother-fuckers of professional sports. last anyone knew, the sox were the only ones to have made an offer.
all this got me thinking as i was falling asleep last night. chris has said that he won't watch the red sox next season because certain players won't be returning. i, however, feel loyalty to the team rather than the individuals who are on that team and especially not the damn incompetent individuals who run the team (you've got a hell of a task ahead of you to stop this bleeding and make up for your series of excruciatingly painful stumbles). why is this? if it's not the players, not the managers, not the owners, not the park i necessarily feel loyal to (in that if any of them were to be replaced, my thoughts wouldn't change), what is it exactly that i'm saying when i say that i'm a fan of the red sox?
this is what makes me say that a baseball team, and perhaps especially the red sox, is an emergent entity. the number of individual units that go into making a baseball team are great. i am spekaing beyond simply the players etc. mentioned before. there's the business/mechandising, the sports radio, the newspapers, the city/region, but most of all, the people who interact with the team. here i mean primarily the fans. the fans interact not only with the various tentacles of the team as a business/sports institution but also with one another and themselves.
it is in these interactions, not to mention the interactions of/with the team-as-business/sports-institution that are the key to a baseball team like the red sox. it is from these numerous interactions engaged in by the individual units that the team-as-emergent-entity comes. if one were to take a single unit out, as happens when a team is sold, players traded etc, the team remains. to see an example of this in an extreme form, we can look to a non-baseball team, specifically the cleveland browns.*
i have to say, i know very little of the situation with the browns. yet, from what i have been able to pick up, it seems that the browns were moved in 1995, becoming the baltimore ravens. the team-as-emergent-entity, however, remained in cleveland. formally this was by the agreement between the city and th nfl that the colors and name would remain in the city, but despite the 4(?) year absence of the team-as-business/sports-institution the -larger- team never left. thus when the browns "returned" to cleveland, they merely fit a new individual unit into the wider complex system.
this brings me back to the red sox. damon, pedro, nomar, bill mueller, (manny) may all leave, the "curse" may be broken, the owners/managers/front-office may act like damn fools pretending they aren't wealthy, there will be tough years (like this coming season?) yet the team-as-emergent-entity will remain. and it is to this larger team that i feel connection, as i am one of the individual units that through my interactions, somehow contributes to this emergence, despite my individual unimportance.

i guess this is just comfort for a bleeding team expressed in a venue that does not need anything resembling careful editing.

*i'll note here that i am appreciating brandon's growing love for his local teams. that is a different argument however.

ah hell

damon signed with the fucking yankees. i can't believe it.

hey ortiz, why don't you find a way to wiggle out of the red sox? it seems to be the thing to do these days.

we better seriously make up for our losses the past two years, and no, getting julio lugo is not making up for this shit.

we're a damn rich team, start acting like it!

cleaning out the old memory cards

friendly messages on our board
the fish i saved

the mouse we saved

the cow i did not save

the dangers of slumber

alone in iceland

89 buccleuch street

the dangers of driving to providence

cryptic writing in my sleep

It's A Terrible Thing To Lose One's Mind**

Get it?**
Anyways, please help me graduate by filling out this survey .

Try your best to take it seriously and answer honestly. Take no more than 10 seconds per question and stick with your original answer.

Thanks guys.

Update: 12/18/05, 3:32pm:
I don't think this is enough to warrant a new post so I'll just add it here.

Uh, uh chica I don't need a girlfirend
From USAToday.com:
NEW YORK (AP) — Master P will fill the dancing shoes of his teen rapper son, Romeo, who has dropped out of ABC's reality competition Dancing With the Stars because of a basketball injury.
Master P will dance with returning pro Ashly DelGrosso when Season 2 of Dancing With the Stars kicks off in January.

Alright, this by itself is hilarious. But then I was searching for the lyrics from the song "My Baby (Let Me Be Your Girlfriend)" that made Romeo famous. If you don't know it, I suggest you download it. The song is basically the Jackson 5's "Oh Baby, Give Me One More Chance (Back to Your Loving)." Anyways, I stumbled onto a site that has misheard lyrics and found some of these mistakes that people make when people listen to the song:

Original Lyrics:
Girl: Oh Romeo, give me a chance.
Romeo: Uh, uh, too young, I don't need a girlfriend
Girl: Walk me home from school anyway
Romeo: Heh, okay.
Girl: Oh Romeo, you're the cutest boy
Romeo: I know, I know
Girl: So let me be your girlfriend.

Misheard Lyrics #1:
Girl: Oh Romeo, give me some crack.
Romeo: Uh, uh, too young, I don't need a girlfriend.
Girl: Just some crack from my boyfriend.
Romeo: Heh, okay.
Girl: Oh Romeo, I have corns on my toes
Romeo: I know, I know
Girl: So let me be you girlfriend.


Misheard Lyrics #2:
girl: Oh Romeo give me a kiss!
romeo: Uh Uh Tia I don't need a girlfriend
girl: One kiss from my cool baby yeah
romeo: ok
girl: Oh Romeo the other girl's in porno
romeo: I know I know
girl: So let me be your girlfriend!

And my personal favorite...
Original Lyrics:
Girl: Of Romeo, the cutest
boy I know (I know, I know)

Misheard Lyrics:
Girl: Oh Romeo your skin is
falling off (I know, I know)

"The oil is tired."

So, the first-ever Fry-day was a big success. Thanks to Nathan for organizing it, though I have to say I was a little embarrassed by how emphatically he kept plugging the blog.

Anyway, I'm in the library right now working on a terrible paper, even though what I really want to do is get started on my winter break reading list, which is headed by the first two books in the Harry Potter series (British hardcover editions, via Lisa's mom) and Our Mutual Friend.

Speaking of Dickens...since everyone else (which means, in effect, Brandon and Nathan) are always linking to fun and/or useful websites, I thought I'd make my own contribution. As you might expect, it's ridiculously boring: Searcheable Bleak House!

Hail University...

Official CNN Transcript
Wednesday, December 14
Paula Zahn Now

ZAHN: A shocking story about a teenager whose life suddenly came crashing down.

But, first, a chilling investigation into allegations of people profiting from stolen body parts.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)...

ZAHN: Coming up next, we change our focus to a college campus absolutely stunned... After a class president is arrested and charged with robbing a bank.

And still ahead, a Florida neighborhood outraged. Should the government be allowed to bulldoze their homes to make room for new development?

Also, don't you hate those silly subscription cards that fall out of magazines every time you open them up? Well, we found a solution for that and for some of life's other little nuisances that could drive you nuts.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ZAHN: Beautiful cold night here in New York City tonight under a full moon.

But we turn our attention to the campus of Pennsylvania's Lehigh University tonight. It is still in a state of shock after the arrest of one of its most popular and promising students.

Police say a young man calmly walked into a bank last Friday and robbed it of nearly $3,000.

Our Adaora Udoji spent the day talking with people who knew him and found out that a crippling addiction may have led to a desperate criminal act.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

ADORA UDOJI, CNN CORRESPONDENT (voice over): It looks like a mighty fall for Greg Hogan, a 19-year-old sophomore, who was so popular at Lehigh University, classmates voted him 2008 class president. He belonged to a well-liked fraternity, won the second cello seat in the orchestra.

But this son of a affluent Ohio Baptist minister also had a terrible secret his lawyer says led him down a very dark road.

(on-camera): Did he realize he had a big gambling problem?...

Police say Hogan walked into this bank not wearing a mask or covered in any way and handed the teller a note demanding money indicating he had a gun.

(voice over): His lawyer says there was no gun. Still Hogan got away with nearly $3,000. Hours later he was arrested at his fraternity house.

WALDRON: He's embarrassed. He is just saddened by what he's done to the folks at the bank, to his family, and he is trying to cope with it through counselors.

UDOJI: Students at the Lehigh campus thought at first it was a joke.

KATIE PAXSON, SENIOR, LEHIGH UNIVERSITY: I think everybody is just really shocked. Doesn't know what to make of it.

BOBBY OUILAN, SOPHOMORE, LEHIGH UNIVERSITY: It made you wonder who you voted for.

UDOJI: But other students told us lots of students play poker online. It's a favorite past time with easy access to the Internet...
This week, Hogan should have been taking finals with his classmates. Instead, he's confronting a gambling addiction and facing felony bank robbery charges.

Adaora Udoji, CNN, Allentown, Pennsylvania.

this dog is the mayor

economitron

waiting for a bunch of video to capture is not an exciting experience. but i've found a way or two to amuse myself.

1. local/television lawyer jim sokolove can, and should, spell his last name this way: Sok O' Love
"i got bored real bad and jim Sok O' Love got me the amusement i deserve."

2. pandora.com. seriously, this is such a brilliant thing. this is where the internet can kick radio's ass.

3.

George, not Pete.

Originally uploaded by cdhu.

First off, I don't want this post to prevent you from reading Brandon's post below and checking out the amazing article linked therein.

- As some of you will know, I have a history of playing sports with children and taking it way too seriously. (One time, I was playing basketball at the OMAC, and I tried to slap the ball out of the hands of some punk 11-year-old, but instead hit him on the forearm, drawing blood.) Anyway, last night I was at a holiday party for the local janitors' union, along with a couple other people from Brown who've done civil disobedience and fasting in support of them in the past couple months. Musical chairs featured prominently at this party, and of course I jumped at the chance to participate. Out of a starting group of a dozen or so people, I made it to the final two by dint of my agility and seriousness. Unfortunately, my fellow finalist was a 10-year-old kid who was also heavily invested in the proceedings. As the music played for the final round, we ran around the single remaining chair, contorting our bodies to stay close to it. When the music stopped, I went in hard--but the little scamp snatched the chair out from under me, leaving me to slam my ass into the floor in humiliation. At least I kept myself away from the piñata.

- Now, I don't want this to become like my old hair blog, but recently I've been getting a lot of comments on my hair. Unlike Nathan, whose strategy is to get haircuts--and the related trauma of busty harlots chopping off his bangs--over with as soon as possible, I simply delay the inevitable. In the past couple days, I have been likened to "a member of the Beatles" (Matt G.) and "kind of like Bruce Lee, who's cool" (the dude making my sandwich at Jo's), which is a bit upsetting. Clearly, the look I'm going for is "young George Best."

Holy Shit

There is tons to blog about around the goings ons on 17 Thayer but I recieved this IM from a friend that went to my high school and now goes to Brown:

dude holy shit greg hogan (my year at US)... he... well check this shit out: http://bw.lehigh.edu/story.asp?ID=19305

Trust me, click the link. This is one of my favorite quotes:

His school was really rich,” Scott said. “Greg used to say that some of the richest people in the Midwest would send their kids to his high school."Hogan graduated from the University School in May of 2004 -- an elite, all-boys private school on the east side of Cleveland.

letting off some baseball steam...

this'll be quick, humor me.

damn, the red sox have turned into some sort of soap opera in the "off" season. john henry, the owner, wants theo epstein back but lucchino, the ceo who bungled theo's contract negotiations and chased him out of town, might quit if he comes back in any sort of capacity. meanwhile, we suddenly find ourselves with a gutted infield, an outfield full of question marks and the possibility of tejada coming to the sox in exchange for manny, but i'm betting manny would turn that down using his "10-5" rights (after ten years in mlb and five on a team a player has the right to turn down any trade) because he has made it clear he wants the west coast. while all this is going on, sports writer gordon edes thinks he's the shit and got his fingers in all the pies, writing about how he talks to everyone important through personal e-mails. it seems there's more red sox news these days than celtics or bruins (and patriots during the week at least).
it'll be interesting to see what the team looks like next year.

ok, done.

bees! (and squirell-dogs)

brandon's been alone in the blog-posting lately. i figured i'd give him some company.

last night i registered the domain swarmingmedia.com; there won't be anything up there for a while but it's a pretty sweet name. i also have my computer back now for real this time (at least i hope). i installed a new hard drive and felt all high-tech about myself, but really all it took was a miniature screwdriver and one that was a little larger.
it's been almost a year since i left for scotland and, needless to say, the realization of the passage of time saddens me.
this is really an entry for the sake of an entry, to assert my presence here. maybe i'll think of something better to write later, because this certainly hasn't done the trick.

--edit---

"Finnegan rides a puppy mosh pit of sorts."

here's something post worthy thanks to alice: a squirell that thinks it's a dog.

Indy Party '05

When I look back on my Brown experience, I think of many defining places, people, moments, and themes: 111 Brown Street, ass-to-ass, Gorbachev diaper soccer, Cathay Cathay*, hugging Howard Dean, Woony, various bad drunken ideas, etc.

However, more than anything else, the part of Brown that has grown and evolved with me has been the Indy party. Once just a place where some sketchy kids had free booze, the Indy party has become an institution for pretentious stupidity and trifling sophistication. I couldn't possibly do the events of the night justice so instead I will just offer a sampling of quotes heard throughout the night.

Fuck that bitch... How many Sparks?.. NO!.. Why is he mopping?.. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN OUR FRIDGE?!.. Would you walk through the party wearing just a towel for $15?.. That was a good shower... Two girls and a guy are in your room... That's very artistic... Your ass?.. Saturday Night Love... Who are all these people?.. Why is "he" here?.. I think they're taking pictures in the bathroom... (mumble mumble mumble) Unbreak my heart, say you love me again... You can lay on me Brandon... Is he awake?

But First******

I am amazing (how's that for pretentiousness Adam). As such, my posts tend to be amazing. So much so, in fact, that I think people miss most of the meaning (or at least the meaning intended by me, I realize that its problematic to privilege the author's intended meaning over all others). In order to make your blog experience easier and more enjoyable, whenever I make a statement that has additional meanings beyond the explicit, I will put an asterisk (*) next to it to clue readers into the subleminal message/ironic commentary/inside joke about someone's drunken exploits.

For example, the title of this post has six asterisks which means it has six addtional meanings attached for a total of seven authorial intended meanings. Usually I will allow you, the reader, to decipher the readings for yourselves but since this is everyone's first time, we'll do this together:

1. The fact that this part of the post is a quick aside before getting to the real** post.
"But first, a quick aside."

2. The fact that I've actually spent about a half-hour trying to think of a good title before even starting the piece. (Isn't there a song or movie or something that has the line - "This is not a game. This is not a fucking game" or something like that? I couldn't find it on Google.)
"But first, I need a title."

The rest of the meaning apply to what will follow in this post. I'll explain them now and you should pick them up as you go along.

3. "But first" is one of the catchphrases of Big Brother. Here is a creepy/funny compilation of all the "but first"'s.

4. "But first" is also a catchphrase for Tim Russert on "Meet The Press", one of my favoirte political shows.

5. The rest of the article refers to pre-gaming.
"But first, let's get smashed."

6. My hope is that through this post, people will make asses of themselves.
"Act like you've got some home training, don't walk up in there with your ass hanging out [i.e. 'butt first']" - is that only a Black line?

7. The fact that I'm doing this before I do my work so I can graduate college.
"But first, the Infamous Grouse needs my help."

Now to the meat* of the issue. I find that everyone has some point during every semester where they crash and go temporarily insane. This usually doesn't culminate in violent outbursts but rather sleeping through classes, refusing to do work, drinking heavily, not leaving the dorm/house, etc. I've definitely had more frequent and more lengthy crashes than just about everybody but it hits just about everyone (read: not Lisa, Chris, or Kartik) at some point.

Somehow I've managed to avoid the crash... until now. Of course, this is the absolute worst time to crash because now is when I have to do all my catch-up work, exams, etc. The crash has been catalyzed* by the plentitude of opportunities to get smashed that have presented themselves. BTW, Happy Birthday Alizeh and Happy soon-to-be Birthday to Alex T*. In addition to those, there is of course the Indy party tonight (my relationship with the Indy party is enough for another post entirely).

I plan to try to spend a few hours each day being effective and otherwise just get retarded***. As such, I was trying to keep myself awake in SSDT class (Mel can attest) so I started trying to make up my own drinking game to keep my mind awake. What I came up with is a blatant rip-off of Kings, Asshole, and this Bully Pulpit game. I like it, at least in theory, because it combines getting plastered*, stupidity, reality show-esque alliances and backstabbing, fucking over your housemates, and politics. Things starting to make sense now?*

RULES:
BASICS
Each player gets five cards that they can choose to keep to themselves or show to others at any point throughout the game. Play starts with the player with the 2 of Spades (or whatever*).

Each time you play a card, you follow what would normally be the Kings rule (waterfall, categories, asses to the floor, etc.). Only exception is that Kings just means social drink.

For every card you put down, you pick one up. Play continues clockwise with the only rule being that you must play a card higher than the last person or you get skipped. When no one can play a card, (because the card on the table is like a ace or a king or something) the last person who played can propose legislation (a rule for the game that if broken at any point means that you must drink for as long as the person who catches you makes you drink).

DRINKING
When caught breaking a rule, whoever catches you can force you to drink as long as they want to. However, whenever you finish a beer, you can make someone else drink (including the person that made you drink.)

LEGISLATION
Whoever plays the high card that no one else can beat can propose a rule for the game and put a card down signifying the number of votes for the rule (face cards=10, ace=1). Kings rules don't apply during votes. As always, after playing a card, pick one up from the deck. Everyone else plays a card for or against and whichever side gets the most votes passes/rejects the rule (tie=reject). BTW, pie graph is who people want to control Congress.

PRESIDENCY
After the first legislation and every four legislations afterwards, a President is elected. Going clockwise from the Legislator, everyone casts one card of votes (ace=1, face card=10) for a candidate. Whoever gets the most votes wins.

EXECUTIVE ORDER
After every legislation (or election, in an election year), the president can pass an executive order that has an immediate one time effect on players (e.g. last person to find meat in the house drinks and trades in all his cards).

After legislation/elections/executive orders, play continues with the player to the left of the President. The next player must play a higher card, etc.

STRATEGY
Basically, you'll have to ally with someone to get the presidency and to get favorable legislation passed but that person can get to be president and decide that he wants to see you passed out on the toilet and puking and pass really unfavorable legislation/executive orders. I feel like in writing this out I've made this game seem really complicated when its supposed to be simple*.

Now for what you really came here to see: a karate chimp.***

dogs beware

"A Lazo man who called himself only Mikhalich said there had been 'no pine cones at all' in the local forests this year.

'The little beasts are agitated because they have nothing to eat,' he added."

link