But First******

I am amazing (how's that for pretentiousness Adam). As such, my posts tend to be amazing. So much so, in fact, that I think people miss most of the meaning (or at least the meaning intended by me, I realize that its problematic to privilege the author's intended meaning over all others). In order to make your blog experience easier and more enjoyable, whenever I make a statement that has additional meanings beyond the explicit, I will put an asterisk (*) next to it to clue readers into the subleminal message/ironic commentary/inside joke about someone's drunken exploits.

For example, the title of this post has six asterisks which means it has six addtional meanings attached for a total of seven authorial intended meanings. Usually I will allow you, the reader, to decipher the readings for yourselves but since this is everyone's first time, we'll do this together:

1. The fact that this part of the post is a quick aside before getting to the real** post.
"But first, a quick aside."

2. The fact that I've actually spent about a half-hour trying to think of a good title before even starting the piece. (Isn't there a song or movie or something that has the line - "This is not a game. This is not a fucking game" or something like that? I couldn't find it on Google.)
"But first, I need a title."

The rest of the meaning apply to what will follow in this post. I'll explain them now and you should pick them up as you go along.

3. "But first" is one of the catchphrases of Big Brother. Here is a creepy/funny compilation of all the "but first"'s.

4. "But first" is also a catchphrase for Tim Russert on "Meet The Press", one of my favoirte political shows.

5. The rest of the article refers to pre-gaming.
"But first, let's get smashed."

6. My hope is that through this post, people will make asses of themselves.
"Act like you've got some home training, don't walk up in there with your ass hanging out [i.e. 'butt first']" - is that only a Black line?

7. The fact that I'm doing this before I do my work so I can graduate college.
"But first, the Infamous Grouse needs my help."

Now to the meat* of the issue. I find that everyone has some point during every semester where they crash and go temporarily insane. This usually doesn't culminate in violent outbursts but rather sleeping through classes, refusing to do work, drinking heavily, not leaving the dorm/house, etc. I've definitely had more frequent and more lengthy crashes than just about everybody but it hits just about everyone (read: not Lisa, Chris, or Kartik) at some point.

Somehow I've managed to avoid the crash... until now. Of course, this is the absolute worst time to crash because now is when I have to do all my catch-up work, exams, etc. The crash has been catalyzed* by the plentitude of opportunities to get smashed that have presented themselves. BTW, Happy Birthday Alizeh and Happy soon-to-be Birthday to Alex T*. In addition to those, there is of course the Indy party tonight (my relationship with the Indy party is enough for another post entirely).

I plan to try to spend a few hours each day being effective and otherwise just get retarded***. As such, I was trying to keep myself awake in SSDT class (Mel can attest) so I started trying to make up my own drinking game to keep my mind awake. What I came up with is a blatant rip-off of Kings, Asshole, and this Bully Pulpit game. I like it, at least in theory, because it combines getting plastered*, stupidity, reality show-esque alliances and backstabbing, fucking over your housemates, and politics. Things starting to make sense now?*

RULES:
BASICS
Each player gets five cards that they can choose to keep to themselves or show to others at any point throughout the game. Play starts with the player with the 2 of Spades (or whatever*).

Each time you play a card, you follow what would normally be the Kings rule (waterfall, categories, asses to the floor, etc.). Only exception is that Kings just means social drink.

For every card you put down, you pick one up. Play continues clockwise with the only rule being that you must play a card higher than the last person or you get skipped. When no one can play a card, (because the card on the table is like a ace or a king or something) the last person who played can propose legislation (a rule for the game that if broken at any point means that you must drink for as long as the person who catches you makes you drink).

DRINKING
When caught breaking a rule, whoever catches you can force you to drink as long as they want to. However, whenever you finish a beer, you can make someone else drink (including the person that made you drink.)

LEGISLATION
Whoever plays the high card that no one else can beat can propose a rule for the game and put a card down signifying the number of votes for the rule (face cards=10, ace=1). Kings rules don't apply during votes. As always, after playing a card, pick one up from the deck. Everyone else plays a card for or against and whichever side gets the most votes passes/rejects the rule (tie=reject). BTW, pie graph is who people want to control Congress.

PRESIDENCY
After the first legislation and every four legislations afterwards, a President is elected. Going clockwise from the Legislator, everyone casts one card of votes (ace=1, face card=10) for a candidate. Whoever gets the most votes wins.

EXECUTIVE ORDER
After every legislation (or election, in an election year), the president can pass an executive order that has an immediate one time effect on players (e.g. last person to find meat in the house drinks and trades in all his cards).

After legislation/elections/executive orders, play continues with the player to the left of the President. The next player must play a higher card, etc.

STRATEGY
Basically, you'll have to ally with someone to get the presidency and to get favorable legislation passed but that person can get to be president and decide that he wants to see you passed out on the toilet and puking and pass really unfavorable legislation/executive orders. I feel like in writing this out I've made this game seem really complicated when its supposed to be simple*.

Now for what you really came here to see: a karate chimp.***