I have to say that I've really enjoyed my time in the house thus far. It's sort of like being back in Unit 26 during freshman year. I think a large part of that enjoyment comes from the simple pleasure of having no responsibility. Classes start tommorrow but up to this point I've had a week to procrastinate on the small amount of work I do have. Recently, I've been spending a lot of time looking for ridiculous shit online and last night I found some blog-worthy sites (note: I was high at the time I found these sites so it is possible that my threshold for hilarity was lowered significantly).
First off, I enjoy putting random questions into Google and seeing what the answers will come out as. For example, how much chuck could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Well apparently this
is the answer. Where can I get some Jesus Juice? Click here
(yes, that really is Neverland from space). So as I continued to Google more questions, I decided to ask "Where should I go if I want to kill myself?
" (At this point if you want to follow along I suggest you open up the links in a new window and then keep reading here.) On the right side, there is a sponsored link for Suicide Thoughts? - Take this quick test to find out the answers - www.GodTest.com
. At this point I realized I'd hit right-wing nut job heaven. I suggest you click through the answers on your own and explore but specifically click here
and then click a wrong answer. I also love the possible reasons why one might refuse the will of Jesus (I Do Not Believe in God, A Christian hurt me, or I'm Jewish). Also, check out the letters of hope
(I especially enjoy "I'm Addicted to Porn"
and the unibrowed gay guy
From the religious right I moved on to the more general moral right of the Parents Television Council
. I'd suggest browsing through some of the sections where they discuss the Worst of TV indecency
. Ineveitably it includes all my favorite shows (Big Brother, Boston Public, Fear Factor and of course South Park especially). Reading through the quotes on the Cable TV Awash in Raunch
article was particularly funny since I'd seen most of them on TV. And just in case you weren't there to be offended the first time they aired, they compile all the worst clips into a best of worst of television montage
that is amazing. I love how you find the most disgusting shit at the sites whose very purpose is to censor it. A few of my favorite quotes from the site:
South Park the Movie: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut – Comedy Central 10/23/04
A cue card with the phrase "horse fuckers" on it shows a cartoon picture of a man with his crotch up against a horse's anus.
South Park – Comedy Central 11/20/02
Mr. Garrison puts Mr. Slave over a desk and shoves a glass tube into Mr. Slave’s rectum.
Garrison: “Now I’m going to put the glass tube into Mr. Slave’s tight ass.”
Mr. Slave: “Ow!”
Garrison: “Okay, now Butters, could you bring over Lemmiwinks [a gerbil] please?”
Stan: “Oh, no! No! No! No! No! No!”
Garrison: “Now what do you think is going to happen when I introduce the element of the gerbil to the endothermic heat of Mr. Slave’s ass? Well let’s see.
Mr. Garrison inserts the gerbil into the glass tube in Mr. Slave’s rectum. The gerbil goes into Mr. Slave’s rectum and is shown trapped inside when the sphincter muscle closes. Inside Mr. Slave’s rectum are the skeletal remains of another gerbil.
1999 TOP 10 WORST
1) WWF Smackdown!(UPN/first season)Airing at 8:00 on Thursdays, Smackdown! exposes children to obscene, raunchy, and violent content on a weekly basis. Regularly featured characters included a pimp and his "Ho Train," a sex addict, and a porn star. Episodes contained women mudwrestling topless, homosexual innuendo, and drug references. One plot line centered on a wrestler's sexual dalliance with a 70-year-old woman. Violent content included characters being beaten with chairs, poles, pipes, 2x4s, sledgehammers, street signs, chains, a piano top, and hockey sticks, getting smashed through tables and windows, getting run down by a limo, rammed by a semi truck, and being set on fire. Foul language included all the standards and audible use of the s-word, and visible (though not audible) uses of "f--k" and "motherf--ker."
2) Family Guy(Fox/not ranked last season) Fox's Family Guy was unbelievably foul. This low-rated, raunchy, animated series centered on a couple, their two teenagers, and their precociously evil infant son. In its first full year, the show's creators managed to include nearly every conceivable obscenity, and references to every imaginable sexual perversion from incest to necrophilia. Series staples included nudity and references to pornography and masturbation. One episode this spring featured Peter Griffin giving his adolescent son his entire stockpile of pornographic magazines. The fact that Family Guy aired during the family hour makes it that much worse. Institutions such as the church and family were held up to ridicule on a near-weekly basis. Fortunately, The Family Guy was not picked up for next season. (Since then it has been renewed and is doing quite well, FOX, Sundays at 9pm -BE
).And one more favorite quote (added 6/20):
Stern told a female guest who had offered to be his slave, "First of all, I’m gonna need you to pee in a diaper…I wanna roll you up naked in a…carpet and put you in a shopping cart and wheel you around the station… I want you to eat [dog food] out of a dog bowl…I want you to bend over…while I throw eggs at your buttocks… your bare buttocks…and possibly eat peanut butter from Jackie’s [a regular Stern sidekick on the program] toes…You’re lucky I’m not asking you for sex." Just before smashing eggs on the guest’s buttocks, Stern told a colleague, "It’s fun to humiliate women."
If you've made it this far in the post and actually looked through all the sites you've probably been here for an hour so let me stop my rambling and let you return to your responsibilities. You see, isn't it fun to be aresponsible?